My Story

Sometimes we know. Â We know what we want, who we want to be, what stories we want to create. Â Sometimes we reinvent ourselves or discover ourselves for the very first time by struggling with change. Â This is a story from many years ago of finding and listening to my essential self.
I sit alone at my kitchen counter, glancing around the room and notice at once the missing backpacks, piles of school books, and dropped sweatshirts. Â The voices of young people laughing, talking, and blaring music that had so often filled this space are gone and I feel it. Â I feel the absence of my children. Â I feel the emptiness, greater than in my house, I feel it in my heart.
I am in transition as it is so often phrased. Â My children have gone off to college, off to live on their own and begin lives that are independent of me. Â How strange, I too, am beginning a life independent of my children.
I was not much older than my son is now when he was born. Â I was so excited to welcome him into the world and to be a mother and yet I knew I was very young and that there would be many things I would miss out on while raising children. One day, I told myself, when they are grown, I will do all those things I was putting on hold.
And now that âone-dayâ is here. Â Itâs an interesting expression, vague, distant and without much direction.
I was swimming in uncertainty, reaching for a place to belong, to feel like my essential self
I started that journey with much anxiety, fear, doubt of my abilities at making a career change this late in life (doesnât seem like it was that late now!) and more fear. Â But I pushed forward because it was my âone-day.â
My first memory of wanting to be a therapist, wanting to help people was in third grade, while I didnât really have any concept of what a therapist was at the time, I knew it was connected to my essential self. But, life, expectations from others and my own personal growth filled the space of years, marriage, children, work and divorce came and I told myself that when my children were grown, then I would go back to school and make a career change, become a therapist.
I started to question what I was doing. Â Was this the right decision? Â Was I in over my head? Â Am I too old to make such an investment and change in my life? Â I felt overwhelmed and unsure.
I considered not continuing, but when I played that out in my mind, it repeatedly left me feeling disappointed and empty. Â I was looking for clarity from every place I thought I might find it; the instructors, friends, fellow classmates and my children, yet the clarity was inside of me all along, I just needed to listen.
Many years and a number of transitions have passed. Â I believe transitions are a way of life, a constant on our journey. Â They often begin with a loss, ask us to let go of the familiar, face uncertainty, and struggle with acceptance. But they also give us a chance to discover and use our strengths, to imagine a new possibility and new beginning. Â A chance to redefine ourselves and a chance to honor our essential self.
Without question, I have learned my essential self is something inside me that gets stronger with every transition I navigate, and every new beginning I embrace.